personal

so instead of just sitting in bed and keeping my thoughts to myself i decided to write about them in a note, yes sadly enough when i write notes it's usually depressing I'm sorry...

So like i just don't know why but whenever i think about it all the major things stressing me out hit me like ten thousand anvils speeding down the empire state building and it either makes me depressed or makes me sick so here we go

As most of you know i hate being stationary i hate it so much i hate staying at my house, it's making me gain more weight that i am already trying to lose, and the thing is if i had a license i would never be home since i hate it so much but guess what this is where the major stress-er in my life comes into play... my mother she won't let me get a permit her excuse "I AM NOT LETTING YOU GET A PERMIT UNTIL YOU GET A JOB" which most of you know i have been trying to get since before i turned 16 and i am 17 now turning 18 in march.. like when i hear people talking about how they got their permits, or how they even got their licenses it depresses me more than i already am because my mom won't let me get one and the thing is I'd go get it myself.. because i know i could pass the test, but i can't afford it, it cost 34 dollars i don't have... and whenever i ask my mom for money for anything else she gives me a tough time and tells me giving me money will make me not want to get a job... i'm sorry but I didn't know she was under the impression that i like fighting with her.. like i need a job i have already been to 5 fucking interviews and yet no one called me back to tell me i'm hired i just don't know anymore it feels like i am not meant to have a job the more i try to get one the more i fail at getting one .. and then to the next topic my unactiveness that makes me 100000000000000000 lbs overweight you see people complain how the hate their busy schedules hell i'd love a busy schedule i mean shit coming home everyday from school just eating and sitting is what my life is comprised of.. and when i go to make plans with people they never want to do anything or they end up blowing me off the last second well obviously never being able to leave the confines of my home is gonna make me lose weight ... the next thing is paranoia i am so scared of being alone and being stabbed in the back by people i always think random friends are talking about me behind my back or I think a friend doesn't really like me they are just using me for god knows what which deep down i know my friends wouldn't do that but part of me always thinks people are gonna walk all over me .. yeah you can thank my ex best friend for doing that to me when she was my supposed friend talking shit on me to other people .. yeah you should know her she sticks out she is a greasy whale LOLZ .... and then there is the fear of college, i know i want to go to the University of Columbia in chicago it is my dream school it's already hands down where i want to go my fear though, is being rejected and how if i persue my dream... will i be able to buck up the courage after college and be able to find a job for the major i want to go into.. and then there is school now .. with all these things building up like bricks it makes me grades at school slip and i am scared that i will graduate with too low of grades to be able to go into a good school .. because when i am depressed i can't put my heart into studying for a test or focusing in a class and along with my fear of teachers thanks to plenty of teachers i had the past years.. yeah you fucking ass holes can give yourselves a pat on the back for making me scared to death of teachers and asking questions and being scared to be humiliated like i was plenty of times in the past .. see with all these things building up it keeps my self esteem quite low.. so if anything minor happens it upsets me like how last year i got screamed at by a lovely gem of a health teacher and when i got an A on a test he announced to the whole class that he was shocked i did so well.. yeah thanks
so as you can see here with all these builting of fun things stacking like bricks can you tell how it makes me feel it makes me stressed and yet it makes me imagination grow wanna know why I'm so random? there's your answer when i'm stressed i think of a book or movie i loved and putting me in that scene and running with it .. for example putting myself in Harry's shoes when he received his acceptance letter to Hogwarts .. speaking of harry potter it's so much of my life i don't even know who i would be if i didn't become an avid harry potter fan like .. i wouldn't of met any of my best friends, me and one of my best friends would probably never would of became my friend and would probably still think i'm disgusting .. i just don't know well i think this has been enough rambling while being tired and in deep thought i think i will end this but before i do i do not need people leaving comments like AWW I FEEL SO BAD DON'T WORRY IT WILL GET BETTER!! .. I'm sorry but i don't want people to feel bad for me , i don't want sympathy i just want my life to be just fixed and if you know ways you can help me fix it feel free to suggest it to me but just don't have pity for me because writing my thoughts down doesn't mean i am trying to evoke sympathy from anyone who reads this ..